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Rubens, Antwerp's biggest perv

Peter Paul Rubens, world famous for his paintings and being Antwerpen’s biggest perv.  

It all started at a young age for Rubens. From the first day Rubens got a pen in his hands, his parents knew he was different. When he started drawing he just couldn’t stop it. At first his parents were quite proud at their son. Rubens’s creativity was endless. He had an exceptional talent for drawing people and from a young age you could see he was a prodigy.

Rubens’s first dick drawing

But one day things changed, Rubens got his first Bible as a present from his auntie for his birthday. From that day Rubens became obsessed with his Bible and especially the story of Adam and Eve. He wasn’t that interested in the story though, he was fascinated by Adam and Eve living naked and from then on started drawing naked men and woman all day long. He didn’t give a damn about the Bible or religion. He just was obsessed by penises and boobs.

By the time Rubens was a teenager his parents lost grip on him. Rubens was hanging out on the streets and doing petty theft in the city at night. Rubens had formed a gang with some friends, one of the members was Baltazar Moretus who became a well printer painter.

During those late nights hanging out in the streets he came in touch with a grafitti collective and found his first real passion, street art. In no time Rubens’s famous penis art was widespread over Siegen, a place in Germany where his family lived at the time. It became a hot topic in Siegen and a lot of people were angry because their houses were smuttered with dicks. There was a witch hunt opened on the perpetrator, although no one had any idea where to start looking. Until his mother found out, she had found his tags and graffiti paint underneath his bed when she was cleaning his room. She knew they were in big trouble. If anyone would’ve found out her little Rubens was behind it, he would be linched or would get a visit from Siegen’s finest executioner. His parents had to do something, so they decided to lay low in Keulen for a while.

In Keulen his parents send him to therapy and they found out Rubens had ADHD, so they decided to give him ritalin. in those days it was still very experimental to use this drug but it worked and Rubens calmed down and he got his addiction of drawing dicks under control. He even became one the best students of town. Everything was going well and the family was having a great time in Keulen, until his father got sick. His father was getting old and doctors said he wasn’t going to live long anymore. A few months after his father was diagnosed cancer, he died. The family was devastated and felt it was time for something new. So they decided to go to Antwerpen.

Rubens and his bunnies

Back in Antwerpen Rubens’s parents knew their son still had his special talent but they wanted him to do something else with his talent, so they send him on a study trip to Italy. They were hoping this trip would learn to Rubens’s how to use his talent in a different way. Rubens was a great student but instead of learning something else he again refined his skill and became a real penis and boobs drawing master. It took him ten years but at his twenties Rubens was famous all over Belgium for his nude paintings. All 17th century BV’s wanted to have their own nude Rubens in their house. Historians sometimes even dare to call him the Hugh Hefner of the 16th century. He became even this popular he released his own magazine called ‘Rubens’. A nude magazine with the latest nude paintings of celebs from all over the world and history. It was an instant hit. People would stand in line for a day just to get the ‘Feast of Venus’ edition.

The Venus feast special edtion

By the time he was 30 years old, Rubens was a millionaire. He had a huge penthouse near the Meir and had at least 3 one-million dollar horse carriages with 40 inch rims. Rubens was living the dream. He could paint nude people all day and the most beautiful women & men from all over the world came to his atelier to get their own ‘Rubens’.

But there were rumours about a darker side of Rubens’s famous painting shoots. Stories about Rubens inviting girls over and making sexually intimidating proposals. These scandals came to light after Rubens made a portrait Martha, of one of the daughters of a good friend of his, Justus Lipsius. Justus found out and was so angry he forced his daughter to go tell her story to the tabloid, ‘Daghe Allemaal’. It became national news. After the confessions of Martha Lipsius, stories of other girls  followed. The charges went from making sexual inappropriate comments during shoots to having sex with some of the models. He knew how to pick his victims, young girls who wanted a career as a model and become famous. But although the facts seemed quite clear, there was no hard proof so they couldn’t charge Rubens with anything. He always denied all charges and said he always was very professional during his shoots.

Rubens’s stupid typical pose

Months went by and after a while things got back to normal for Rubens. Rubens had used the connections he had in Church to mute the convictions. He made some works for the Cathedral in Antwerpen in the past and became friends with important Bisschops from all over Europe. Rumours go they even bribed some of his victims. But again these are just assumptions. The Vatican always denied all the charges and knew how to swipe them under the carpet.

Today you can find Rubens all over Antwerpen. His paintings in the Cathedral, you can visit his house, and so on but no where you will find anything about his (real) past. All this years Church has always been able to cover up Rubens’s stories, but they only forgot about one place, the statue of Rubens at Groenplaats. In 1840 a statue of Rubens was placed in the middle of the Groenplaats by a guy named Willem Geefs. When Willem was asked by the city to make a statue of Rubens he had to do some research first. He was spending weeks in the city archive and found out about Rubens’s past, but instead of spreading the ‘real’ story, he had a better plan. He was going to show the world the truth in a very subtle way.

This is something you’ll have to go check yourself. Go to the Groenplaats and walk towards Rubens in the middle of the square till you stand in front of him. Next, take a turn right and walk a few meters away from the statue. Now you’ll have to turn around and look closely at his thumb and you’ll see it! If you’ve found the right angle you will now see Rubens’s boner in full glory. Rubens being the perv he actually was.


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