THE SHITTY GUIDE IS NOW CLOSED

After five years full of lies, exaggerations and massive hangovers we've had enough: the Shitty Guide calls it quits. We give up. So what the fuck happened?

Ancient history

It all started five years ago when Kata and Benni went on a back-packing journey to find themselves.  After a month of travel they ditched the Lonely Planet and ended up in used-panties shops all over the world.

6 months later they were wandering in Belgrade and trying to shake off a hassling gypsy woman who was following them. There and they had another eureka moment. It wasn’t an apple that hit their head but large portion of liquid coming out of the woman’s mouth. The idea of the Shitty Guide was born.

A spiritual journey into the margins. An odyssey to find the raw, the untouched (not talking about the used panties), the real, the authentic places where no tourist - or sometimes even local - would dare to go.

Once in Antwerp they started writing a ‘shitty’ guide. After a year of wandering around Antwerp’s shittiest places (and 1232 cans of cara pils) The Shitty Guide was a fact. A Microsoft doc was sent into cyberspace, which you could download for free. A guide based upon experiences, lies, assumptions, truths, stories, exaggerations and full of spelling errors. An ode to imperfection.

Shitty Guide 2.0

It was an underground success, 5000 downloads! Soon after the release a group of unemployed nobodies started following Benni around everywhere. They always met at the Groenplaats, right under Ruben’s penis, drinking cara pils. Together they shared a love for shitty places and speed.

Using brain power and sheer will, from a simple .doc the Shitty Guide expanded into a shitty website on the world wide web: the Shitty Guide 2.0. All thanks to the hard work of Simonneke, Krokky and Vinny, who had nothing better to do anyway. An incredible moment in internet history.

From that point on, everyone who Googled ‘drugs Brussels’ or ‘drugs Antwerp’ arrived at our humble little website. No Ricardo, we still don’t know where to fix ketamine, fuck off. Since then, we've had 120.394 unique visitors to the website. On average 1900 unique visitors per month! In total our little website had half a million page views.

Even a mobile app was developed. It never made it to the app store, because of “shitty” in the name, but hey, that’s really not the point is it? 

Together with the help of talented low-lifes such as Anne, Ellen, Sam and Bram we threw some incredible, unforgettable parties and expanded the Shitty Guide. We went on shitty expeditions to discover new territory, but mostly found hang-overs and islands of regret.

Shitty Goes Worldwide

World domination was always the shitty goal. We’ve thought long and hard on our international expansion strategy.

First we took Brussels. Our favorite hellhole! We asked a random, unemployed local on the street to write the guide for us. That random local was Coby, who is now no longer unemployed, she “works” with animals now, but don’t worry, she didn't really change, she still has drugs- and mental issues, anyway thank you for everything Coby.

Due to the huge demand, the next logical step for a Shitty Guide was Kiev, Ukraine. A team of young, dedicated Shitty explorers decided to go there in the middle of the winter and join the war. But we don’t talk about it. We can’t, because we don’t remember anything. It was dark, it was cold, there was vodka and bare fistfights in the snow.  We went to Chernobyl and we tried Tinder there. Gave it ⅕ stars on Tripadvisor, the HBO-series were much better.

After Antwerp, Brussels and Kiev there’s really only one place left: Brasschaat. One of our writers, Freddy, grew up there. His psychologist recommended writing about his trauma’s. The nightmares didn't go away, but the Shitty Guide Brasschaat is something that exists now. Sam Gooris became a life-time fan and Jean Marie Pfaff wears our logo on his collar till the end of his days. Less happy was the ex-mayor, who was forced to react in a newspaper that yes, the cops on Segways were a bad and expensive idea. 

Shitty Tours

Building on the success of the paper guide, Benni and Freddy decided in 2016 to give tours. It was a massive success and we had great time. The owners they loved us, and we loved them back. They were delighted to host the tours, and always greeted us with much hospitality. No doubt: every owner of a brown bar or turkish disco venue or tibetan noodle shop or whatever has A LOT more sense of humor than any stupid fuckin’ yuppie owner of a posh hip coffeebar on the Antwerp south.

But unfortunately time, and also bulliness by this city’s government, took its toll. Already 5 (5!) places of the original Shitty Tour™ closed down since we started. The closing down of these places (Ciné Royale, Café Kiebooms, Café Vogelzang, The Turkish Disco , Tipanan karaoke) is a big loss for cultural heritage of Antwerp. The city is changing.

Shitty <3 Imagoverlagend

The city is changing, and this is the consequence of an active policy of disneyfication and gentrification. One of these policies was the “imagoverlagende taks”. Since 2015 all nightshops, shisha bars, video library, etc in Antwerp had to pay an additional, medieval tax 'cause the city council apparently gets to decide what is nice and what is not. We, at Shitty Guide, were not pleased with this feodal mindset and decided to fight back.

We threw a party Shitty Party 4(000), made an underground nightshop video song, wrote a petition and gathered 400 signatures and even went to protest together with Murad and the other nightshop owners at the city hall. The city graciously accepted our 400 signatures and threw it in the trash when we were not looking. Today, the imagoverlagende taks is still there. Another great achievement by the Shitty Guide.

This is the end, shitty friends, the end 

The Shitty Guide became a victim of its own success. Too many tourists came, looking for shittyness, but making everything less shitty. The whole city nowadays feels like Disneyland on coke. Very soon the city will go the same way as Venice: too many tourists, too many (sunken) cruiseships and too much water.

That’s why we're leaving Antwerp, for good! We shall return to where we came from: ashes to ashes, dust to dust, shit to shit. The goods news: you're invited to join our ship! A 21th century version of Noah's Ark, but with less beastiality and more tolerance for LGBT. Together, we will survive this great flood of shit.

Join us at the final shitty party. And remember. There may be a terrible climate catastrophe ahead, but while there's moonlight and mdma and love and romance: let's face the music and dance.

A big thank you:

- Benni Booi (our spiritual shitty leader) 
- Katarina for coming with the idea of the Shitty Guide 
- Frederik Van den Bril 
- Vincent Peters
- Koray Sels
- Bram Van Bree 
- Simon Peters 
- Sam Van Loon
- Anne Verbist 
- Ellen Anthoni 
- Sven Mes & Liselotte for making the shitty fashion happen
- Lode Uyterschot for believing in the Shitty Guide (LOL) 
- Armand from Café Strange 
- Dylan from In de stad Aalst 
- The Zomsa family 
- Patsi & Tim for hosting the first shitty party at Mu(i)ltatuli
- Stefan en Sabrina van Cafe De Vogelenzang
- The owner of Cinema Royale although you never wanted to talk to us
- Tipanan family (we never got to say goodbye…)
- Stefan van de Turkse Disco 
- The Bivak crew (Lotte, Zoe, ...) for co-organising the first shitty tour
- Jasper Kuylen & the volunteers at ThisisAntwerp magazine we had a barfight with.
- Serge Muyters
- All the Antwerp drug dealers for the 2+1 promo
- Gestapo Knallmuzik
- Johnny Boy 
- The Ukrainian guy who took off his shirt and yelled at Simon “we fight now” 
- Koen Crucke for running the best instagram account in the world
- All the journalists who didn’t have anything better to write about
- That one newspaper photographer who hates his job and got really pissed at us
- Tanguy Otomer for being our arch-rival  for so many years
- All the volunteers at the Shitty Party
- Everyone who came on the Shitty Tours 

 

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#history

Rubens, Antwerp's biggest perv

Peter Paul Rubens, world famous for his paintings and being Antwerpen’s biggest perv.  

It all started at a young age for Rubens. From the first day Rubens got a pen in his hands, his parents knew he was different. When he started drawing he just couldn’t stop it. At first his parents were quite proud at their son. Rubens’s creativity was endless. He had an exceptional talent for drawing people and from a young age you could see he was a prodigy.

Rubens’s first dick drawing

But one day things changed, Rubens got his first Bible as a present from his auntie for his birthday. From that day Rubens became obsessed with his Bible and especially the story of Adam and Eve. He wasn’t that interested in the story though, he was fascinated by Adam and Eve living naked and from then on started drawing naked men and woman all day long. He didn’t give a damn about the Bible or religion. He just was obsessed by penises and boobs.

By the time Rubens was a teenager his parents lost grip on him. Rubens was hanging out on the streets and doing petty theft in the city at night. Rubens had formed a gang with some friends, one of the members was Baltazar Moretus who became a well printer painter.

During those late nights hanging out in the streets he came in touch with a grafitti collective and found his first real passion, street art. In no time Rubens’s famous penis art was widespread over Siegen, a place in Germany where his family lived at the time. It became a hot topic in Siegen and a lot of people were angry because their houses were smuttered with dicks. There was a witch hunt opened on the perpetrator, although no one had any idea where to start looking. Until his mother found out, she had found his tags and graffiti paint underneath his bed when she was cleaning his room. She knew they were in big trouble. If anyone would’ve found out her little Rubens was behind it, he would be linched or would get a visit from Siegen’s finest executioner. His parents had to do something, so they decided to lay low in Keulen for a while.

In Keulen his parents send him to therapy and they found out Rubens had ADHD, so they decided to give him ritalin. in those days it was still very experimental to use this drug but it worked and Rubens calmed down and he got his addiction of drawing dicks under control. He even became one the best students of town. Everything was going well and the family was having a great time in Keulen, until his father got sick. His father was getting old and doctors said he wasn’t going to live long anymore. A few months after his father was diagnosed cancer, he died. The family was devastated and felt it was time for something new. So they decided to go to Antwerpen.

Rubens and his bunnies

Back in Antwerpen Rubens’s parents knew their son still had his special talent but they wanted him to do something else with his talent, so they send him on a study trip to Italy. They were hoping this trip would learn to Rubens’s how to use his talent in a different way. Rubens was a great student but instead of learning something else he again refined his skill and became a real penis and boobs drawing master. It took him ten years but at his twenties Rubens was famous all over Belgium for his nude paintings. All 17th century BV’s wanted to have their own nude Rubens in their house. Historians sometimes even dare to call him the Hugh Hefner of the 16th century. He became even this popular he released his own magazine called ‘Rubens’. A nude magazine with the latest nude paintings of celebs from all over the world and history. It was an instant hit. People would stand in line for a day just to get the ‘Feast of Venus’ edition.

The Venus feast special edtion

By the time he was 30 years old, Rubens was a millionaire. He had a huge penthouse near the Meir and had at least 3 one-million dollar horse carriages with 40 inch rims. Rubens was living the dream. He could paint nude people all day and the most beautiful women & men from all over the world came to his atelier to get their own ‘Rubens’.

But there were rumours about a darker side of Rubens’s famous painting shoots. Stories about Rubens inviting girls over and making sexually intimidating proposals. These scandals came to light after Rubens made a portrait Martha, of one of the daughters of a good friend of his, Justus Lipsius. Justus found out and was so angry he forced his daughter to go tell her story to the tabloid, ‘Daghe Allemaal’. It became national news. After the confessions of Martha Lipsius, stories of other girls  followed. The charges went from making sexual inappropriate comments during shoots to having sex with some of the models. He knew how to pick his victims, young girls who wanted a career as a model and become famous. But although the facts seemed quite clear, there was no hard proof so they couldn’t charge Rubens with anything. He always denied all charges and said he always was very professional during his shoots.

Rubens’s stupid typical pose

Months went by and after a while things got back to normal for Rubens. Rubens had used the connections he had in Church to mute the convictions. He made some works for the Cathedral in Antwerpen in the past and became friends with important Bisschops from all over Europe. Rumours go they even bribed some of his victims. But again these are just assumptions. The Vatican always denied all the charges and knew how to swipe them under the carpet.

Today you can find Rubens all over Antwerpen. His paintings in the Cathedral, you can visit his house, and so on but no where you will find anything about his (real) past. All this years Church has always been able to cover up Rubens’s stories, but they only forgot about one place, the statue of Rubens at Groenplaats. In 1840 a statue of Rubens was placed in the middle of the Groenplaats by a guy named Willem Geefs. When Willem was asked by the city to make a statue of Rubens he had to do some research first. He was spending weeks in the city archive and found out about Rubens’s past, but instead of spreading the ‘real’ story, he had a better plan. He was going to show the world the truth in a very subtle way.

This is something you’ll have to go check yourself. Go to the Groenplaats and walk towards Rubens in the middle of the square till you stand in front of him. Next, take a turn right and walk a few meters away from the statue. Now you’ll have to turn around and look closely at his thumb and you’ll see it! If you’ve found the right angle you will now see Rubens’s boner in full glory. Rubens being the perv he actually was.

Qué?

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