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7 shitty places to buy shitty gifts for your shitty family

It’s that horrible time of the year again. Here’s the Shitty Shopping Guide for the Holidays. 

  1. Matrjoshka Delicatessen Antwerpen

     

    They sell Russians souvenirs and various Russian/Ukrainian foods here. This means among other things Russian matryoshka dolls, red caviar and every kind of brand of vodka you can imagine. I mean, do we even need to say more? Nothing says “welcome to the family” like buying your sister’s new boyfriend a premium bottle of vodka. 

    Address: Dambruggestraat 141, 2060 Antwerp, Belgium

  2. Sex shop falcon plein

     

     

    This is the perfect gift-shop for the whole family. You got a brother or cousin who is (secretly) gay? Buy him a classic DVD like Shaving Ryan’s Privates. Or if he’s more the outgoing type, buy him poppers. Tell the rest of the family it’s parfume and let them smell it. Best family gathering ever, promise. Or a leather outfit for your father or strap-on dildo for your mother? Now menopauze is here, your parents gonna need to spice up their sex life.

     Address: Don't know exactly

  3. Ark of Noel 

    This shop sells ‘healing stones’, salt crystal light, scented candles and that kind of spiritual new-wave stuff. The owner is a former butcher's son who took over his father's shop and went full on hippie. According to the stories he used to be a nun, greek, jew and the founder of the city Atlantis in one of his many past lives. Enter this joint and you'll get the full package: a handreading, an awesome healing stone and tips and tricks how to massage your prostate. Handreading skills on point I must say. 

    The perfect gift for that spiritual yoga-loving aunt of yours that just got over cancer or the dude with dreadlocks who is the boyfriend of your cousin who is stoned out of his mind the whole time anyway. 

     Address: Lange Beeldekensstraat 144, 2060 Antwerpen

  4. Sun Wah Supermarket, 2nd Floor

    Buy a ‘maneki-neko’ lucky cat here with the waving arm to your anime loving cousin, a fancy tea-set for your boring aunt or a bamboo steaming basket for that newly-wed couple in your life. Also you can make the family dinner more adventurous and buy lots of delicious quirky fishy and/or smelly food here.

    Address: Van Wesenbekestraat 16-18, 2060 Antwerpen 

    Flemish-nationalist extreme-right gift shop 

    As of 2017, being a nazi is no longer a taboo. It’s a golden age for your racist grandfather, who reserves himself the right “to say whatever he wants” and hence ruin the atmosphere for everybody. Instead of arguing with him like last year, give him a gift-wrapped Vlaams Belang ash-tray or umbrella. When you give it to him don’t forget to look him straight in the eyes and whisper “Sieg Heil”. 

    https://webwinkel.vlaamsbelang.org/

  5. Thissen biljart

    In this shop you will find pool tables, billiard tables, foosball tables, darts, basically any sports that you get better at if you drink beer and talk like a drunk Irishman. Oh, if you’re loaded, they even sell tables which cost more than 6000 euros! But there’s also a little room with discounts which is cool. You can find some cool vintage bar-style lampshades for a decent price.

    Address: Van Wesenbekestraat 51-55, 2060 Antwerpen

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